Journaling

December 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

I really do see this site as a way to let out my thoughts and feelings and it does help somehow. I also keep a journal in which I try to write in every day if I can. Mostly about what happens daily, my experiences, and sometimes I write short stories. They are usually not very cheerful ones and I apologize in advance for posting it on this day, (Merry Christmas to you all btw!! I love every single one of you) But anyway, here it is:

Dark, long days and nights which never seem to have a start or an ending. Alone, with the curtains closed at all times. There is no body left, you are surrounded by people, yet you feel completely alone. They occasional turn and talk to you, but you barely here a muffled mumble coming from far away as if you have sunk deep inside your self and all you can answer with is a short laugh and smile. You feel as if you are stuck in a pit, deep underground and can not reach out, nor do you have the will to do so. What is the point of it all any more. Your mind plays games with you, taunts you, the demons living inside dance at your expense, ripping you apart. The pain spreads all over you it feels as if someone has grabbed your heart and is squeezing it harder and harder….it is getting too much. For months you tried suppressing it, ignoring it and pretending as if nothing is wrong, as day by day they grew stronger, gaining ever more control of you. It has emptied you, no longer can you go to work, venture outside do any sort of activity other than lie on your bed all day long.

You softly pick at your lips, pulling of bits of flesh. You did that a lot when you became nervous. I like that about you, the way you did it, so carefully and delicately.  It starts to bleed as you rip a piece but it goes noticed by you. Your gaze slowly shifts towards the old  wooden clock hanging on the wall. It is 1:17 am. A deep sigh escapes from your mouth. I remember when your eyes used to carry such extraordinary beauty, as if a bright light being radiated from it, causing anyone who looked into your eyes to smile and feel positivity overcome them. What happened to those cheerful, big, hazel coloured eyes of yours. They have turned so dull and dark, with no expression at all except being filled with a deep sorrow.

Your gaze shifts away from the clock to the object lying in front of you on your bed, while you are sat with your legs crossed. Your favourite position. No longer do you feel any form of emotion, completely indifferent and callous to everything. The object remains untouched, and you turn your eyes to the window ahead of you. Strangely, the curtains had not been pulled shut on that one. It is as dark as your inside but you can hear the soft drizzling outside, the tapping of the droplets against the window. You used to adore that sound, tell me how it used to help wind you down, bringing peace. This time, it had no effect at all. You stare at it blankly.

You glare  back at that shiny, metallic object which lies in front of you. It entices you, captures you and just as a magic does, draws you closer towards it. Lying there so innocently and still, yet at the same time carrying a looming force inside of it which can be activated with a single touch. A macabre air surrounds it. You quiver because it terrifies you because you know what fate awaits you in the next few moments.

A gulp escapes you, you heart beats ever so fast that you it becomes audible to you. But your eyes remain partially closed as if there is nothing wrong. You breathing becomes rapid and you close you eyes for a moment. Shutting out everything else, and it restrains you a bit. You re-open you eyes, and this time without hesitating you pick the object in your right hand. The intenseness of the icy surface sends chills right across your spine. Slowly turning it in your hand, admiring its beauty and destructive capabilities it has. Your release is right in your hands. The corners of your mouth turn slightly upwards into a half smile. Such a long time since you had done so.

The time has at last come. The object is raised to right next to right side of your head and you are overcome with sorrow, filling your head. The cold end of the object presses against your head, ready to strike out. Your fingers clutch around its grip, softly still. One last time you shut your eyes, and think of the better times you used to have, when you were happy. And as a tear rolls across you cheek you clutch your fingers tightly and you feel nothing any more.

(Guys, sorry it turned out this long, it was a really short paragraph that I had written, but the more I started to type, the more words flowed out of my head. Hope you kinda like it.)

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